remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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