people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
