I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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