I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
