I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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