In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
