I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
