make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
