Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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