I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
