tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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