I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Congratulations! We have a period
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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