Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
