i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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