I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
