stop calling my apartment porn island.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
