i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
