i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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