The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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