My underwear smells like fireworks.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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