My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
it was like eating out sand paper
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
