so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
