I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
