Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
