you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
