There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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