is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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