You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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