i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
