Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
