you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
