Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
