She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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