good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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