I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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