Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
