I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
do herpes really smell.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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