I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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