You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
