Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
