she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
