I'm so fucking centered right now
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
should my penis look like a turkey
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
