I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
