Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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