Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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