dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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