our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
