youre lurking in front of me
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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