It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
