Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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