i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
