the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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