I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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