I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
