Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
