Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
